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| so much to say.
so not sure how.
...yet.
this weekend was simply amazing.
thank you.
you know who you are.
both of you.
I miss you.
(and so does Rudie.)
back in good ol' Sandusky.
not quite sure how I feel about that one yet.
today nearly drove me to the quitting point.
no lie.
I never knew I could feel such emotions.
especially all at the same time.
it's almost cool.
almost.
anyone who says God doesn't have a sense of humor... doesn't know what he or she is talking about.
He certainly does.
crap happens.
quite literally.
disregard the last entry.
and if you're going to date me-- make sure not to joke about serious stuff that really isn't funny.
like me having seizures.
I can cook.
and Dupont can bake cookies.
speaking in generalities still doesn't help me say what I want.
God is amazing.
never stop trusting.
never stop believing.
never stop loving.
never stop, period.
good times are usually followed by incredibly trying times.
point in case: today.
I may be clumsy... but at least I can twist my ankle gracefully. 
I trust... way too easily sometimes.
I am sorry.
I can't say that enough.
this was new.
I liked loved it.
did I mention that God is freakin' amazing?
don't let anyone fool you-- presents... aren't always good.
make sure they specify when they say "I have a present for you..."
lack of sleep really isn't so bad, afterall.
it's not a crime to let someone see you undone.
I was reminded this weekend that we don't always see ourselves the way others see us.
I am way too harsh on myself.
way more than I should be.
this will not be copy/pasted into myspace.
for once.
it was more like a random ramble to get thoughts out of my head.
so I can finally take my exhausted body to bed and get some sleep.
I have finally accomplished my goal.
thank you, God.
You are so good.
I am blessed. | | |
| "I wasn't really expecting anything..."
isn't that when something almost always happens?
all I did was sit back and say "okay, God... I'm putting You in control 100% now. I'm along for the ride, wherever we're going."
and look where that got me. for those of you who didn't know, I met a boy.
his name is Trevor, and he lives an hour away from me.
I know, I know... you're probably thinking "oh no, here she goes with another long distance relationship again..."
that's fine. you're entitled to your own thoughts.
but I just thought I'd let you know that while yes, I am currently in a relationship with someone who lives far away now and will live even farther away in a week... passing him up would have been the dumbest mistake of my life. 1. he cares.
2. he always goes to my side of the car, unlocks it, opens the door, makes sure I'm in, and shuts it... before he gets in on his side.
3. he calls me/has me call him to make sure I get home okay. and if he's done any driving, he calls me.
4. he really does like me (I'm convinced this was an attribute Kevin never posessed.)
5. he is a christian.
6. he's willing to do some driving to see me.
7. he calls me everyday, even if it's just to say hello.
8. he does little things that normally wouldn't mean anything, but make me smile anyway.
9. he's respectful.
10. he's just all around, a great guy... and before I ever got past the first reason, he was already one up on Kevin. sad, but true.
Kevin never really cared about me.
I don't know why it took me seven months to realize that one out... but the point is that I did.
and it really made me realize that I can't just... settle for the first guy who shows me a little bit of attention.
so be happy for me, hate me, laugh at me, love me... or whatever you want to do.
because I know that I'm okay... and I'm trusting God. | | |
| The clock ticks 10:30, and I am completely exhausted from today. Maybe it's a collection of days, but I'm really feeling it today. Today was my last day on the bus with Mark, and I'm feeling pretty guilty about being glad for that. I only had one awful day... the rest were great! Yet, I still complained about having to get up and go to work. Today, I brought him gummies in the shape of legos. That boy loves legos. Something inside of me clicked today when, as I was walking down the hallway, this little arm reaches up from a few feet below and lands around my shoulders. I doubt he's ever done that to any of his other aides or teachers. I wanted to cry. This little boy really enjoyed having me around, and today, I feel great to be done. Wow. How selfish am I? The answer to that is: incredibly selfish. That's the general feeling I'm getting from myself today. Tonight is the perfect nite. And by perfect, I mean perfect. It's warm, not hot, and there is a nice, gentle, cool breeze blowing. It reminds me so much of Sandusky. I realize how much I miss it. And with that missing comes selfishness. A huge part of me wants to be back there, now. And an even bigger part of me wants to not have to do anything this summer but hang out. Not work, not anything. I put in Rightlane's cd while we were in the car tonite, and it really sunk in-- I miss Ruben and Davey. I miss hanging out. I miss shows. I miss it all. I miss them. "Two more weeks," I tell myself. I can't wait. But I know it won't be anything like that. I'll be working, probably working my butt off... but there will be plenty time spent with those guys. Or at least I plan on it. No getting sick this summer. That is my goal, pathetic as it may be. I went to church tonite. But I didn't go to regular service... I went to the youth group instead. Thomas had invited me, and I knew some kids from there, so I decided to go. I loved it. But Thomas and I started talking about the Providence show that's coming up. It got me pretty excited for the end of June, I'm not going to lie. I found myself telling Thomas of my plans to try to come back for that. I found myself being selfish, yet again. I just want all of this time with all of these people... a lot of it I'm afraid of not getting. "Regardless," I remind myself, "God knows what He's doing... just let it go."
Just let it go. Let go of that selfishness being harbored.
Just let it go. Suddenly, I remember how carefree it felt to be eleven years old again. Mark may have a handicap, and he may not have the best life, but he loves it-- he embraces it. All he needs are some legos to help his imagination along, and he is fine. I wish it were still that easy. I miss those days. Selfishness certainly didn't invade my thoughts back then. I say a quick prayer for Mark and his family. He may have only been in my life for a few weeks, but that little boy sure has made an impact on me. Thank You, God, for giving me this opportunity. I am sorry I have been so selfish as to take it all for granted until now. Just let it go. | | |
| The summer of 2006 brought many good things for me: new friends, a new job, new lessons learned, and an illness. I realize that last summer, I kind of left you hanging when it came to what was going on with me. So here it is, all lain out on the table for you. May through July was spent being violently ill everyday. I'd get up around 7am to go to work, be there until 4pm when I'd come home, shower, and go to bed. I'd stay there until the next day, when it was time to do it all over again. I hated being so sick, I really did... but I learned so much from it, that I don't think I'd honestly go back and undo it if I could. It ended up being a virus in my bloodstream, most likely caused by a tick or mosquito bite, and anemia. It was a vicious cycle between the two, and that's why I never got better until they diagnosed me properly. July was interesting from the get-go. I had been dating Kevin for about seven months, and he wasn't the best boyfriend I could have. I knew that then, and I really know that now. He constantly drunk-dialed me and wanted to have serious conversations with me... and "not remember" them the next day. I constantly defended him to my friends, and to be honest with you... looking back now, I really don't understand why. He had cheated on me with his ex, and wasn't even going to tell me about it, until his brother mentioned it. And he always had a way of making me feel awful about things... our relationship, myself, him, everything. July 12th was different. Something in me had snapped, and I was done. I was sick of it all, and I wasn't taking it anymore. He called me, drunk, as usual, wanting to talk about what the doctors had to say about my health. The one thing I haven't mentioned to you yet is this: there was a possiblilty of Hodgkin's disease, which if you don't know what it is, is a type of blood cancer. So, when asked, I refused to tell Kevin what the doctor said. Obviously, he really wanted to know, because he wouldn't give up. I caved and told him. Obviously, when I told my intoxicated boyfriend, the outcome wasn't very good. His response was verbatim as follows: "F*ck! You mean to tell me that I FINALLY find a girl that I really like and she's got CANCER? G*d damnit... what am I going to do now?" Not, "I'm sorry to hear that" or even "oh wow, that sucks," which I would have really preferred over the response given. but "what am I going to do now." I was furious. I let him have it like he's never had it before. I ripped him apart telling him how offended I was... because to be completely honest, it hurt. it hurt really badly. Obviously, I don't have the blood cancer, which I thank God for... and Kevin and I have spoken maybe twice since then... but it's funny how it took something as huge as me being incredibly sick for three months in order for me to realize what's good for me and get my act together. I've been single since then, but can you honestly blame me? I'm taking one day at a time, learning from my mistakes. I thank God every day for each and every one He sends my way and watches me screw up, because it's not the experiences in life that make us who we are-- it's what we do with what we learn from them. | | |
| it was barely even 7:15 this morning when I threw my blankets back. the sun was up, and so was I. I had been since moments before my mom's alarm went off. I could still hear her and my brother downstairs getting ready to leave for school, so I went down to tell them goodbye and get my day started. they left. I made an omelette and ate it while watching the Today show. after I was done, I went out and started my car to warm it up and went back in to get ready to leave. after about fifteen minutes, I was ready to leave.
I started to back out of the driveway and my car died. I couldn't get it restarted. I called Scott (a friend of the family) to have him come help me out. I knew he'd be in town. he told me he'd be over in a little bit, so I went back in and sat down in front of the television. ever since the bus accident a week ago, I have been living for updates on Zach.
Zach and I went to high school together, and he graduated a year behind me. a week ago today, he was involved in the chartered bus accident on I-75 in Georgia.
the Today show cut to the local (Lima) news. I heard the anchor say that another member of the Bluffton baseball team passed away this morning. I prayed he wouldn't say Zach's name.
"...Zach Arend passed away this morning..."
he said it.
my face dropped to my hands and I wept. I sat there like that until Scott arrived.
he was unable to get my car started, so he dropped me off at my dad's where I got in my dad's car and drove away.
now I'm in Canton. tomorrow, I will be in Pennsylvania. seems like last time I took a trip I was trying to run away from a problem. run away to clear my mind.
as I passed into Van Wert county, I started feeling guilty. I know I'm not running from this. but I can't help but feel almost like it. I wanted to get out of my mourning town. I couldn't take it.
so now I sit. on my best friend's couch in Canton, Ohio. I've cried enough today. I know Zach has moved on. and as cliche as it sounds, he's in a better place. I take comfort in that.
Zach and I weren't incredibly close in high school, but I know he was a good kid. brilliant. very athletic. funny. outgoing. my thoughts now are about how young he was when he went home to be with the Lord... but I know it wasn't at all too early. it was his time. God was ready.
so if you would please just hear me out and keep his family in your prayers, I know they would all appreciate it. so would Zach. | | |
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